Our First Blog
Just when you think it’s safe, well . . . it is not. After watching Project Runway this season and having my own internal struggles, arguments and yelling fights with the panel of judges, we now get the glorious awards season.
I’m just going to brush right past the whole celebrities and politics thing, mainly because this is for fun and enjoyment and is not a political thing.
Bring on the Golden Globes, I say. Let me take my seat at the judges table and look at this through the eyes of Joan Rivers and Richard Blackwell. Let me browse these red carpet looks of stars (and many starts I have never heard of or have any idea what they are stars for).
Before I start this, let me say I have no fashion sense for a gay man. I am routinely at home in shorts – cargo, painter, regular- and paired with t-shirts and sneakers – with ankle socks. I loathe dressing up, but I try not to look like a slob. I feel I do pretty well.
So today I waded through bazillions of photos, and I find the experts don’t know either as there is not clear best and worst dressed as I found the same people on different places – on one list they are best dressed, on another they are worst dressed. I made a list of names, grabbed some photos and then struggled with the best way to do this. I got a lot of names, but I want to narrow it down some. My list is pretty evenly split on good and bad. Most of the ones I chose are ones I have heard of. I am having a problem narrowing to 5 good and 5 bad. I think I have decided we can do this based on categories.
Here we go.
Classic Black Dress
L-R: Goldie Hawn, Mandy Moore, Kristen Bell, Wynona Ryder
- Goldie Hawn - I just want to remind you all that this bitch is 71 years old. 71! And she is looking fucking good. The dress is perfect, the hair is good. And let’s face it she has had some issues in the past with these Red Carpet challenges, but this time, she rocked this and made this her bitch.
- Mandy Moore – first a pop star and then an actress, star of the new series This Is Us. I like this black dress, not sure I like the cape, but then I wonder would the dress work without the cape? Anyway, I think this was a pretty damned good look and she looks freaking awesome with the girls on display.
- Kristen Bell – Veronica Mars all grown up. Star of The Good Place – which is freaking awesome. I love this look on her. I love the tuxedo jacket top, and showing a lot of cleavage”. The only miss for me is the hair, not a fan, but this also is a great look
- Wynona Ryder – oh Wynona, I know its been a long time since you been on the Red Carpet, like way before that whole shoplifting incident, and it shows, you look stiff and afraid. And thank God for Stranger Things that makes you relevant and shows how good an actress you are, but this look, looks like your still playing crazy ass Barb. So maybe you were just playing yourself? Either way, you need some help with your wardrobe.
L-R: Viola Davis, Reese Witherspoon, Natalie Portman, Emily Ratajkowski
- Viola Davis – what a great year – How to Get Away with Murder and Fences. And this color against her dark skin is divine. Winner winner winner.
- Reese Witherspoon – another great actress is back in the limelight. Big movie with Sing in the box office, new TV series Big Little Lies and a prime role in the upcoming movie adaptation of A Wrinkle in Time. I have always loved me some Reese. And this dress is all that and then some. She has had some misses in the past but this time, it all works – the jewels, the high slit, the neck line, the hair, the color. FAB-U-LOUS.
- Natalie Portman – I was always a fan of hers, I even stood by her through her role of Padme and the forced acting that entailed acting with Hayden Christiansen. My first though when I saw this dress was it made her look pregnant. Surprise, she IS preggers. But being knocked up does not excuse this. Oh dear. And I am not even sure what the white stuff is on the bottom. Find a new stylist Natalie, please.
- Emily Ratajkowski – no clue who this chick is, but the internet says she was in an episode of a tv show, been in some music videos and been in a couple of movies. Still not ringing any bells for you? Me either. But I will say this, she does look good in that dress and it looks good on her. Very nice and thumbs up.
L--R: Aly Raisman, Angela Bassett, Brie Larson, Gwendoline Christie
- Aly Raisman – member of the gold medal winning US Women’s Gymnastics Team at the 2016 Summer Olympic Games held in Rio. I’m not sure if this is orange or salmon, but whatever it is, she wears it well. I like the hair down, the shoes, the slit isn’t too high. This is a gold medal winner for me.
- Angela Bassett – pink on her looks marvelous. The off the shoulders look works for her. I’m even ok with the sleeves – or whatever you want to call them. Good on you Angela.
- Brie Larson – love this scarlet red dress with the ruby red lips. The detail on the bodice sure makes her look like she has the waist of Violet Chachki. Another winner with color.
- Gwendoline Christie – one word – GLAMAZON. The cream dress looks fucking amazing on her. The whole look . . . this is giving me life . . . even if she does play in the fish pond
L-R Hailee Steinfeld, Karrueche Tran, Millie Bobbie Brown
- Hailee Steinfeld – this lavender dress makes her look like a fairy goddess. Not sure if I like the weird top, but the color looks so good on her. I can let the top slide a little.
- Karrueche Tran- not sure who this bitch is. Internet search says she is an actress and a model, but I think that means she has an Instagram account. Oh and she is dating Chris Brown – you know the one who beats up girls. Not liking the top knot there. And at first glance I did not like this dress, but it has grown on me some. I kind of like the change in directionality between the body and the skirt. I like the color, but who doesn’t like a nice hot pink. She wears it well too. I can’t put her in the top looks, but she doesn’t deserve the bottom looks either . . . so let’s just say she is safe.
- Millie Bobby Brown – this star of Stranger Things, Number 11, is rocking my Upside Down with this dress. She is looking fierce . . . fierce I say.
What the Hell Is That?
L-R: Chrissy Teigen, Jessica Biel, Kerri Russell, Nomi Campbell
- Chrissy Teigen – I normally like her. But this dress was a big whiff . . . whiff of poo. What was she thinking? It might have worked without the peplum skirt.
- Jessica Biel – ummmm, no. The top is not cute, the hair is not cute, the skirt . . . ugh I have no idea what was going through the stylists head “Here, put this table cloth thing on, and then we can but this things hanging off it.” Fire that person Jessica, fire them . . . now!
- Kerri Russell – oh Felicity, what has happened to you? The smokey eye, the choker, the multi-layered patterned dress with big flowy arms. Are you trying to look like some desert lizard, or maybe that dinosaur from Jurassic Park that puffed up the frill around its neck? Did Zach Posen do this to you, trying to make you into a lizard person?
- Naomi Campbell – not matter what Detox says about you Naomi, you ain’t getting any crown for this. So much style you have and then you give us this? No girl. You look like a mini blind.
L-R: Priyanka Chopra, Riley Keough, Sara Jessica Parker, Zoe Saldana
- Priyank Chopra – big star thanks to Quantico and the up coming Baywatch movie. And normally she looks put together and werkin it. This . . .this is aweful. The lipstick is bad, obnoxious boobs – who does she think she is Sofia Vergara? – and the placement of the print on her boobs. That is unfortunate and it looks like really big nipples. Do girls want their nipples to look bigger? You should rethink this please make a better choice the Emmy’s.
- Riley Keough –no idea who she is, but according to the internet he is an actress. And the daughter of Lisa Marie Pressley. Now I can see that after knowing this, and she looks a lot like Lisa Marie. I assume this came after the Michael Jackson and the Nick Cage experience. Anyway, that dress makes my head hurt. I feel like I am having double vision. I say . . . this was a bad choice.
- Sara Jessica Parker – This is a no. She continues her streak of bad red carpet looks
- Zoe Saldana – I have no idea what this is. The colors don’t work, too many ruffles. It’s too much.
Battle of the Anna’s
- Anna Chlumsky – on the left – I like the color, but overall the dress looks frumpy. And the black strap is distracting. This was not good
- Anna Kendrick – on the right – and just as bad. Anna K, what were you thinking? That gray sash is oddly out of place and it makes your boobs looks funky.
This was a draw, both equally bad. No winner in this match.
Battle of the Westworld
- Evan Rachel Wood – on the left - oh Dolores, I miss you and the nice country dress. This is not attractive. You stood out for all the wrong reasons Evan, but I do kind of like the lopsided big bow tie.
- Thandie Newton –- on the right - Maeve, sweet Maeve, I declare you the winner of this match. Everything about this is awesome – off the shoulder, virgin white with a golden detail. So cool and so right!.
The winner with a TKO in round one – Thandie Newton!
Battle of Westeros
- Sophie Turner – on the left - Lady Sansa of House Stark. She came in to her own last season and became some ruthless leader of the Starks. This however deserves execution by the King’s Guard. I don’t even think the royal hookers wore anything this bad.
- Maisie Williams – on the right - Arya, the girl with no name, who later owner her name of Arya Stark and went home. She went home alright, looking fucking amazing in this bright, fresh yellow dress. Needle worked its magic and gave her something fabulous, and Lady Sansa should be afraid she gonna take her crown.
The winner of House Stark showdown – Arya Stark, and she didn’t even need The Hound for this one.
Well, that’s all I got. I know it’s a lot, but trust me when I saw there is so much I left out – both good and bad. Maybe JayLo will do his Blog with some of those. But for now I am signing off, this was a lot more work than I was expecting. Not sure what the next big event is, but I will see about covering that one too. Hopefully some of these ladies get it right.
Have a good one,